|Photo by Steve Johnson from Pexels|
"Not even an acknowledgement of my hard work. I really really tried this year", she said.The thing is, this was a rant and we both knew it. Despite her hardwork, we both knew that her not getting the award meant it went to someone even more deserving. Still, it sucked. And that's how adulting feels.
There are days I feel like I've worked so soo hard and something slips right out of my grasp, and I have no one to blame. Sometimes I try to blame myself, but I soon realize there's no point crying over spilled milk. Other days I want to yell, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'm right here! Notice me!"
And it's not necessarily attention that I'm seeking on those days. It could be as basic as running my heart out for the bus and getting there just in time to see the bus driver drive away. Or it could be the guy with whom you'd built castles in your mind. A guy who you had reason to think was helping you furnish this castles even, yeah the same guy suddenly...legit suddenly... has a fiancee. "Fiaan- what?!" you think to yourself.
Or is it the job interviews that you invested hundreds of dollars in inter-city traveliing for, got to the third phase of, only for them so darn impersonally send you the generic canned e-mail to let you know you rocked, but not enough.
I could go on about all these near misses, but let's park that.
So things start to stabilize, you have a house, a car, and some assurance that you won't eat dinner alone for the rest of your life. It still doesn't end there, because if it did, life would be hella bland. There are always the bends along the way; like the possibility of having your contract renewed being hinged on this new Politician's 'mood'. There are still all these twists and turns along the way that make life contingent on trusting God. It's hard to even type trusting God. Trusting God with all the many uncertainties that life throws, making wise decisions to the best of my ability, being accountable for my decisions and their consequences, and still somehow savouring life's joys while at it.
To bring this full circle, adulting would look like sending my sister a plaque to celebrate all the academic, social, spiritual and mental battles I saw her fight and push through this year. I'm incredibly proud of her and I know life is too short not leave wins uncelebrated.
For me it would mean, getting up earlier so I don't have to chase the bus. It would also mean being intentional about avoiding situationships with guys and insisting on clearly defining my realtionships to avoid future surprises. It would also look like thanking God that the job situation did work out for my good afterall. And argh, it would certainly mean learning to let go and trust God.
Yes, it would certainly mean learning to let go and trust a known God with an unknown future.